Full Court Press - Down in the Dumps

Week 5 Power Rankings

LeBron James and company had a lot to be thankful for the first 3 weeks of the season as they feasted on the dregs of the league. That all came crashing down in a week 5 dismantling at the hands of resurgent Montreal. Fortunately, they can give thanks for a giant turkey coming to town next, as they look to re-establish themselves among the league’s elite. Is that enough Thanksgiving wordplay for you?

The holiday season is upon us, and it certainly brought a cornucopia of mixed blessings throughout the league. While teams like Peoria, Fitchburg, and Weymouth may be feeling down in the dumps, let’s take a moment to celebrate the season (and rip off our sister publication, the ‘Gridiron Gazette’) and take a look at what each team around the league has to be thankful for.

Tokyo is thankful for…
The Montreal DeathPiggys. After trading down in the inaugural EHBA draft with the DeathPiggys netted them two low-post studs that have been the cornerstone of the franchise’s foundation in Amar’e Stoudemire and Al Jefferson, the DeathPiggys proved to be the gift that keeps on giving, as their demolition of Weymouth in Week 5 paved the way for Tokyo to take sole possession of first place. Don’t look for them to give it up anytime soon.

Las Vegas is thankful for…
Obama’s proposed healthcare plan. With Chris Paul severely banged up, and Ben Gordon, Danny Granger, and Shawn Marion all spending time in the trainer’s room with him at some point, the Lizards could use some help paying their medical bills and getting a healthy, contending team back on the floor after an embarrassing loss to Bridgewater.

Weymouth is thankful for…
The 2009 EHBA schedule makers. The Dumpster Divers have the league’s softest schedule this season, as they get to load up on early season games against the likes of Peoria and Rakeville, but only have to play league juggernaut Tokyo once all season, in week 11. That could be the difference between a tough first round matchup and a bye.

Montreal is thankful for…
The waiver wire. After a brutal week against Colorado, Montreal called on reinforcements in recent signees Nate Robinson and Al Thornton, who both had a huge hand in the blowout win over Weymouth. If they keep up this level of play, they’ll find themselves applying for Canadian citizenship.

South Carolina is thankful for…
The Colorado-SC express. They can thank the Bears for their category victories in points, FG%, and 3 pointers last week and each week from now on. Their team leaders in those categories are all late of the Bears.

Colorado is thankful for…
The numbers 5 and 4. 4 of their 5 games this season have ended in a final score of 5-4. It’s like a bad Jim Carrey movie this season in Colorado.

Bridgewater is thankful for…
A chance. Statistically the Phenoms are still one of the worst teams in the league, yet somehow they are hanging around in the playoff chase. If they can continue to hover around the playoffs, they have a shot at righting the ship just in time to make noise in the postseason.

Tijuana is thankful for…
The 2008-2009 EHBA championship. Looking at their roster, it’s hard to believe this team was the best in the land only a year ago. They got old in a hurry, but nothing can take the magic of last season away from them. Who knows if they can get it back?

Fitchburg is thankful for…
Their dynamite duos. Without Dwyane Wade and Rajon Rondo keeping them afloat in the backcourt and Joakim Noah and Carlos Boozer keeping them going upfront, it’s downright scary to imagine how bad this former playoff contender could be. They suddenly find themselves 4.5 games back of the playoffs and falling fast.

Dublin is thankful for…
The future. This season might be rough for the Brawlers, but beyond that they will be a force to be reckoned with. With the shocking breakouts of Marc Gasol and Brandon Jennings, and the continued maturation of Greg Oden, Stephen Curry, to say nothing of Blake Griffin, Dublin should invest in some nice sunglasses. (Because the future is so bright? Get it?)

Rakeville is thankful for…
A solid win. Last week’s 7-2 victory really lifted the spirits of the town of Rakeville. The Crows should savor the taste of victory, because with Weymouth and Las Vegas next on the docket, it might be awhile before they get to again.

Peoria is thankful for…
Geez, I don’t know. The weather? Is Peoria a nice place to live? Low crime rates, maybe? I hope there is something about that town that’s good, because there’s nothing to be thankful for on the court. A blowout loss to Rakeville is about as low as you can go this year. Sadly, it’s only going to get worse with Las Vegas up next. Deron Williams is looking good in red though, I guess.

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Power Rankings:
1. Tokyo (+2) – Continue to take care of business.
2. Las Vegas (-) – Close loss to Bridgewater is embarrassing, but just a stumbling block.
3. Montreal (+4) – Blowout victory over Weymouth shows there is still life in the aging squad.
4. Weymouth (-3) – Embarrassing loss in every way. Were the first 3 weeks a fluke?
5. Colorado (-1) – After a huge win over Montreal, 5-4 over Dublin is a letdown.
6. South Carolina (-1) – Coach needs to stop with the DNP-CDs for no reason; it’s really affecting the team on the court and off.
7. Tijuana (+1) – Slowly but surely climbing their way out of an early season hole.
8. Dublin (+1) – Youth is always dangerous. Could lose or win against any opponent on any night.
9. Bridgewater (+1) – Win over Vegas is impressive, but numbers still indicate this team is not for real.
10. Fitchburg (-4) – Have been quietly losing ground all season. Badly need a win this week.
11. Rakeville (+1) – Could the blowout win over the Bricklayers lay a foundation for continued success? (Get it? Come on, that’s a pretty good pun.)
12. Peoria (-1) – They’ve finally hit rock bottom. Don’t expect them to get up anytime soon. I think they may have broken a leg.
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League Notes:
-Drunken fans in Tokyo nearly rioted after their 6-3 win over Fitchburg. A spokesperson for the team said it’ll probably be the last time they do their ’10 yen sake night’ promotion.

-Apparently Chris Paul is such a strong influence on the rest of his Lizard teammates that once Shawn Marion, Danny Granger, and Ben Gordon saw how badass Paul looked hobbling around on his crutches, they each immediately intentionally hurt themselves so that they too could get a pair. Paul then threw his away, saying, “That trend is so over, man. Walking boots is where it’s at now,” before limping away in a walking cast.

-After making a brief return to action against Dublin, Bears guard Michael Redd then removed himself from the game for the foreseeable future, citing “hurt feelings,” after one of the Brawlers insulted his weirdly pointy head.