Full Court Press - The Best Team in the EHBA

Week 7 Power Rankings - Well, not quite, but the revival is in full swing in Rakeville, as a healthy Crow squad is making waves in across the league.

Two months ago, Dr. Stanley van Breda Kolpf was a busy man. With five patients to attend to, the Rakeville doctor was dealing with an epidemic. Considering that the total population of Rakeville is 17, the influx of Crows to the ER had left van Breda Kolpf with nearly 30% of the town’s residents in need of urgent care. From broken wrists (Kevin Love), to sprained groins and fingers (Devin Harris), to addiction to steroids (Rashard Lewis), the Core of the Crows lineup was a mess, and it led to a pretty ugly start to the season.

Now, though, the team has a clean bill of health and is bulldozing their way through some of the best teams in the league. Only a few weeks ago, things looked incredibly bleak, as Rakeville found themselves in the bottom of the league in nearly every category en route to getting blasted by opponents every week, from the league’s top (Tokyo), middle (South Carolina, Bridgewater), and bottom (Dublin). Just as the squad was at its lowest point, hapless Peoria came to town, only a week removed from their greatest triumph of the season (a 4-4 tie against a bottom third of the standings Bridgewater team) looking to make a splash in beating up on poor, broken Rakeville. But a funny thing happened on the way to the basement. The Crows got healthy.

After dismantling Peoria, critics were unimpressed. Sure, they were able to slip by Peoria, but Peoria is maybe the one team in the league who is crappier then Rakeville. Then they beat Weymouth, who had been dominating the league early in the season. Critics remained unimpressed. Sure, they beat Weymouth, but Weymouth was coming off an 8-1 rout at the hands of Montreal. They were clearly overrated and due to come back down to Earth. Then Rakeville went out and beat Las Vegas last week, and critics have to begrudgingly hand it to them—the kids in Rakeville can play ball when they’re at full strength. Sure, they may be full of floppy haired grandpas (Steve Nash), goofy assholes who everyone on the team secretly hates but put up with because they average a double double (looking at you, Brook Lopez), cheaters (Lewis), crybabies (Harris), and goofy looking white guys (Kevin Love, Tyler Hansbrough, Andrew Bogut, Nash), but…I’m sorry I forgot what I was getting at. Let’s just finish this with a pun…something something Rakeville can crow about.
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Power Rankings:
1. Tokyo (+1) – More an indictment of Las Vegas’ performance last week than Tokyo’s dominance, but they’ll take it.
2. Las Vegas (-1) – Loss of Granger may be hurting the team more than they thought it would.
3. Montreal (-) – Need more scoring, but interior game got a big boost this week with the arrival of a resurgent Ben Wallace.
4. Weymouth (-) – As long as they keep beating the teams they should, they should stay up here.
5. Colorado (-) – Moral victory over tough Tokyo team, but still need more balance to squad.
6. Rakeville (+3) – Dangerous roster finally healthy and making noise.
7. Bridgewater (+1) – Quiet 4 game win streak longest active streak in the league.
8. South Carolina (-1) – Bad loss in a winnable game. Have yet to beat a team over .500.
9. Tijuana (-3) – Just when we think they’re back, they lay a stinkbomb against Bridgewater.
10. Fitchburg (-) – Dominate in FG%, Assists, and steals, but are worst in the league in FT% and 3 pointers. Need to find some balance if they want to save their season.
11. Dublin (-) – Injuries have destroyed what was already a lost season.
12. Peoria (-) – 5-4 loss represents serious progress!
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League Notes:

-After losing two of their last three games, Weymouth GM Nick Bruce put all of his crappiest/underachieving players up on the trading block. His plan, as always: trade one or two of them for a Top 10 player. No word yet on the negotiations.

-Las Vegas cut mercurial point guard Rafer Alston after Skip allegedly pulled a knife on a hamster in practice. Las Vegas takes animal cruelty very seriously.

-Brook Lopez is a tool.